"Grief is the flood that tests the bridge." Most of us are not ready.
This was critically important: "I had a much stronger band of brothers around me." If you're a man who has built, over time, this band of brothers, you've been smart. If you are like many men and gone through life as a solo expedition, you may not be ready for the impact of grief.
This is a keeper, no matter what hardship, earthquake, storm or fire we're going through: “This will make me grow as a person. I don’t know how and I don’t know when. But, it will.”
Thank you brother. I can't overstate how important having a group of men around me who love me and have the skills to reach out has been. It's changed my life for the better in so many ways.
And yes. It almost sounds unbelievable that that thought popped into my head so shortly after finding out my daughter died. But it did. And even though it was only for a second, I've almost held onto that belief. It's been a gift in some of the most difficult times.
Thank you for reading and adding your voice to the conversation. ❤️
Unfortunately, not all men realize that they benefit from having other good men in their lives. It can cost them a lot when it's not there. You writing about the power of your experience was important and invaluable prompt for other men. Thank you for this wonderful article, Jason.
I can say as a person who has been called “resilient” more times than I’d like over the last decade despite being aware it’s a compliment, yes it’s PARTIALLY a choice.
However, it’s imperative to understand one is often only as resilient as the support they have around them and access to.
For example, if friends or family causing the situation that has forced a person to be resilient then they have to access outside systems and help which can be costly especially if needed on an ongoing basis or if they’re government or social services including mental health even in the UK where the NHS is overall good but abysmal for mental health needs, that serves to put up even more hurdles for a person already struggling.
Most people don’t “just give up”. They run out of options even after attempting every avenue.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting and I totally agree with you. It's why I pointed out in the article that "Some people start with stronger bridges because of upbringing, health, or support. Others have bridges that were built thinner or are more fragile."
When I think of my own experience of being a slave to alcohol after my wife's death, a lack of support was an important contributing a factor. I had a wonderful wife but I didn't have an emotionally intelligent group of men in my life who really cared about me. And who would call me forward on my behaviour. Thankfully, this time around, I've have those men in my life and I lean on them regularly.
There are so many difficult circumstances and institutional barriers that people can face that makes navigating adversity harder than it needs to be.
And just as you said, I don't think my wife gave up when she decided to end her life. She'd run out of options and couldn't see any path forward that wasn't filled with even more intolerable pain. I think way too many people find themselves in the same situation and it rarely ends well.
Thank for speaking so eloquently on such an important subject ❤️
"Resilience doesn’t mean you won’t experience pain. Quite the contrary. It means that you’ll square your shoulders, stiffen your spine and take it. Because it’s the only way forward. Sometimes, when the pain of a devastating loss feels like too much to bear, resilience can mean not making even things worse than they already are"
Thank you for your reply. Yes I agree that navigating pain is both highly individualized and fragmented based on circumstances (some that are beyond our control without it being an excuse but reality) and also the common threads of the most resilient can’t truly and fully make it alone.
Part of resilience is also being unafraid to reach out. Into the void it seems at times. And while many of us can still have our “ride or dies” who stand by us, it can often be not only a crisis but deep betrayals from those we trusted to care for and protect us.
It can be a real pick and mix. We have “our people” until we don’t and on occasion while vulnerability makes one an easier target to predators at times, it can often be the small kindnesses where least expected that are part of what meaningfully sustains us.
"Grief is the flood that tests the bridge." Most of us are not ready.
This was critically important: "I had a much stronger band of brothers around me." If you're a man who has built, over time, this band of brothers, you've been smart. If you are like many men and gone through life as a solo expedition, you may not be ready for the impact of grief.
This is a keeper, no matter what hardship, earthquake, storm or fire we're going through: “This will make me grow as a person. I don’t know how and I don’t know when. But, it will.”
Thank you brother. I can't overstate how important having a group of men around me who love me and have the skills to reach out has been. It's changed my life for the better in so many ways.
And yes. It almost sounds unbelievable that that thought popped into my head so shortly after finding out my daughter died. But it did. And even though it was only for a second, I've almost held onto that belief. It's been a gift in some of the most difficult times.
Thank you for reading and adding your voice to the conversation. ❤️
Unfortunately, not all men realize that they benefit from having other good men in their lives. It can cost them a lot when it's not there. You writing about the power of your experience was important and invaluable prompt for other men. Thank you for this wonderful article, Jason.
I can say as a person who has been called “resilient” more times than I’d like over the last decade despite being aware it’s a compliment, yes it’s PARTIALLY a choice.
However, it’s imperative to understand one is often only as resilient as the support they have around them and access to.
For example, if friends or family causing the situation that has forced a person to be resilient then they have to access outside systems and help which can be costly especially if needed on an ongoing basis or if they’re government or social services including mental health even in the UK where the NHS is overall good but abysmal for mental health needs, that serves to put up even more hurdles for a person already struggling.
Most people don’t “just give up”. They run out of options even after attempting every avenue.
Hi Mariana,
Thank you so much for reading and commenting and I totally agree with you. It's why I pointed out in the article that "Some people start with stronger bridges because of upbringing, health, or support. Others have bridges that were built thinner or are more fragile."
When I think of my own experience of being a slave to alcohol after my wife's death, a lack of support was an important contributing a factor. I had a wonderful wife but I didn't have an emotionally intelligent group of men in my life who really cared about me. And who would call me forward on my behaviour. Thankfully, this time around, I've have those men in my life and I lean on them regularly.
There are so many difficult circumstances and institutional barriers that people can face that makes navigating adversity harder than it needs to be.
And just as you said, I don't think my wife gave up when she decided to end her life. She'd run out of options and couldn't see any path forward that wasn't filled with even more intolerable pain. I think way too many people find themselves in the same situation and it rarely ends well.
Thank for speaking so eloquently on such an important subject ❤️
you are incredibly gifted and talented, and this was incredibly helpful to read. Thank you
Thank you brother. I'd love to hear more about what you found helpful!
God bless you Jason. I know enough about you and your story unfortunately I know how hard it is!
Thank you brother. I appreciate that ❤️
"Resilience doesn’t mean you won’t experience pain. Quite the contrary. It means that you’ll square your shoulders, stiffen your spine and take it. Because it’s the only way forward. Sometimes, when the pain of a devastating loss feels like too much to bear, resilience can mean not making even things worse than they already are"
I'm glad that landed with you, Andrea ❤️
Thank you for your reply. Yes I agree that navigating pain is both highly individualized and fragmented based on circumstances (some that are beyond our control without it being an excuse but reality) and also the common threads of the most resilient can’t truly and fully make it alone.
Part of resilience is also being unafraid to reach out. Into the void it seems at times. And while many of us can still have our “ride or dies” who stand by us, it can often be not only a crisis but deep betrayals from those we trusted to care for and protect us.
It can be a real pick and mix. We have “our people” until we don’t and on occasion while vulnerability makes one an easier target to predators at times, it can often be the small kindnesses where least expected that are part of what meaningfully sustains us.
Thank you so much for your obvious compassion and empathy. It's something I think the world desperately needs more of. ❤️
Thank you. You’d think but it hasn’t worked out so much the last few years for me.